Portals.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

It was stupid obsessive nakedness absorbed into the shower tiles. Hadn’t had a holiday. Like a skiing holiday. Days at the beach, getting burnt from the sun. What the fuck, anyway. It was hard to just dig in. To avoid many things being done. Some compulsive disorder? Whatever it was, dig the dammed thing out. It felt better. All the lines had come to a dead-end, falling in on themselves, crushing, so they ended up as dead fragments of nothingness. It all combined in paralysis. So now, back out on the page, moving along at a quick pace, getting away from the town boundary, leaving behind the dairy with its milkshake machine and its packets of ten. It was funny how the bounteousness of it all translated to the person behind the counter enjoying what they were doing. Was there pleasure in taking the money? When the tails turned, getting a refund on the bottles spent all day collecting, there was a pleasure in that. Right down to realizing the empty bottles stored around the back of the building. Could we collect them from there and return them through the front door? Maybe. But for now, there was a single cigarette to smoke. The mind fights like hell to order and assert itself over consciousness.
On the beach south of home, waiting for an interview for a pep scheme at the local council. The building was brown and new, in the backstreets, away from the beach. Arriving a little early out of school in the beach reserve waiting for the time to arrive sparked up a joint in my shoe. The beach was beautiful. Pity there wasn’t enough time for a swim. Would there be a job? When was this? Stoned finding a way back from the shops to the room where a serious woman interviewed about what they required. Was it obvious? Not. Never smoked the weed and didn’t know about it? Maybe not. Maybe she raved all night or was a stripper in the suburbs. Who cared? And anyway, it was a duty to be out of it at the interview. Otherwise, somebody might take it seriously, and it wasn’t a real job. Still, I was happy to have it and make my way to the wharf every day through the summer to count the tourists and islanders using the ferries. I was a government spy. I got to know the ferry operators and took trips to Kawau with one who was an old school friend. All the tourists would come back and take off from the carpark. I got to know the estuary either side of the wharf road, the little mangrove areas where the crabs were. The old abandoned shark factory across the harbour from the wharf. How did I get there each day? Did I ride a bike? I can’t remember now. Was the survey I completed ever used or did someone just throw it in the rubbish bin. My dreamiest William Blake days, gaping silvered fish ghosts, Japanese fishing floats, blood on the shore, mangrove mood, human tide. Tuning in.
Was it normal to fixate on other people? Enjoy emptying the trash. An innate kindness and an ability to sweep away like a good shrink. Soothing like a shower, a wash. A person who tried hard to fit in and did to a large extent. But only by clever disguise. And it really was ok. Fantasize. It's ok. It’s not horrible and doesn’t hurt people. Just try not to worry so much. It’s not a fraud. Was it that control exerted? Resented. What was it? Having no power. It was funny as although it was a long time ago and a different person; it was the same feeling. Was it necessary to worry about something for the six hours before it happened? Was it self-indulgence? And not starting any communication. What was with that? They said constant negative news affected people. Was it the same with a toxic online scene? Eventually, would everything go because it meant nothing? I’m trans. Idiot. Fuck off. There was nothing social about that. Apparently dividing rather than uniting. Don’t agree - blocked. So, it ended with smaller groups of people who all shared the same opinion. That’s what killed it. Because eventually, everyone who agreed with each other slowly turned on themselves out of boredom. They needed a carcass to feed off like hyenas in the African desert. But the freedom to expand. That was true freedom. The freedom to invent anything, say anything, to be anything. It was so similar to that book where anyone with a genetic defect got exiled out into the surrounding countryside to fight off mutant tigers and gigantic mosquitoes. Wouldn’t being out in the woods be so much more fun. And there is that film where the people are out in the forest and they travel into town and there is something strange about them. So that’s where it ended up. gradually lost touch with all friends. As they held each thing against every human. And then, to sink like a stone, a poem sank without a trace. It amplified the thing., with so many people, with so many followers, like that’s loser times twenty dude. a nothing and no one wants to chat. There are only so many times to say hi and then feel in the creepy zone, feel the apathy sinking in. The weird sense of ennui. Yes, green curry just can’t be fucked saying. It’s just pointless. And that’s the sad thing. Everyone thought there was a point, and then there wasn’t a point. There was no new social revolution. There was just the same old manipulation and exploitation and then it died literally overnight, because like a small kitten, they strangled it with their psychopathic mind. Yes, great and me-too, I look after the kids all day and get paid nothing and me-too when it turned into an evil monster, everyone ran like hell back to their work. People saw friends they hadn’t seen for years. It was like a massive hangover. But there was one good thing. There was no need to share shit anymore. The corporations didn’t. Facebook didn’t share, they took, betrayed, sold people down the river. Everyone realised they were alone, thank fuck. So many things had been. Some good, some bad, and in all the while a certain feeling. Now there was no delusion to hold on to. Finally, what was left was pure; unattached. Reflections had gone. It was not a matter of conjuring them up. There was no need; it was universal. It had always been there. The answers sought in the face of strangers. It was good released from the perpetual quiz. No one could help. And that was a good thing. People would not know anyway. There was strength in recognition and happiness. The price of reflection. But there was no mirror, only two independent lights. We are worth something. Worth more than they think. That is the mistake made. Winding down, slowing down, clearing out, getting ready to run, to go hard, to sweat, to love, to rock on in the small town waiting for the tide to turn.  death to arrive in black muddy water that sweeps up the main street. That could be life or death with just a slight shift at sea. A good grind, like two soon to be lovers in a night club. So cleansing, so happy, like the water between two smooth stones. Just to get a little way down the page is great. It doesn’t really matter that things might not make sense, for what really does. It’s cool to just motor along for a while on the slow drive to Hinemoa at the inland sea. To arrive at the carpark on the waters edge and breath the mountainous air. See the power up over the hill to the right, see the headland stretching out into the lake on the left. To write out that salty feeling. Where to belong. Is it the place where a person is born?
Later in a small town at a restaurant in a small double storey building on the corner where the owner used to deal with the town affairs. Slowly the mist rolled up from the river. Come in Mrs Bigwood. How can we help you today? How’s Tony and the boys. Mr Dickenson I am afraid I have a very sensitive issue to talk to you about. I need your guidance and expert advice. Can you assure me our conversation is totally confidential? I can assure you my head is full of the best kept secrets. That is what I do. Longton can I use your first name. Certainly, would it make you feel more comfortable if I called you Anne. Oh yes yes it would it would make me feel better. Its about Tony you see. I found out at the start of last week that he is having an affair with Sandra Titian. I don’t know if you know her but she works for a plumbing firm out on the industrial state. Anyway, I was talking to one of my very good friends who told me that an acquaintance of hers was driving home past the golf course a while back this was at night and she saw tony and Sandra parked up in a byway was just off the main road. She said it was really obvious that they were having sex as they were both in the backseat. I thought there might be some misunderstanding though god knows why they would be together there at that hour regardless of which bloody seat they were in. at this point Mrs Bigwood began to tear up and she became visibly angry and emotional. Mr Dickenson was not quite sure what to do but he felt it best to just let her tell her story. She gathered her thoughts and composure and continued. Well you know how you don’t want to believe bad news so I thought I would try and find out what was going on. I didn’t want to confront tony directly because you know there have been those incidents in the past especially you know that one that you dealt with for us when he tried to strangle me. Yes, I remember that. Frankly he was lucky to be out of jail. If it hadn’t been for me having dinner with the local Sgt it may have been all over rover. Yes yes, I was so anxious for the boys that they don’t lose their father and I was so grateful you managed to resolve it. Then there was that other occasion when he tried to force himself on me after a long drinking session at the hotel. Anyway, as you well know there is that history between us. So, I got a good friend of mine Billy Farrell to keep an eye on him. for a couple of days. I have known Billy since schooldays and he has always been good to me. He was my first serious boyfriend. We used to fuck all day down at the old cements work when we were wagging school. He reported back to me that tony spent most of one evening at her place when he told me that he was at a night class. So, I still have not confronted him about it and that’s why I have come to you now to ask you what you think I should do as you well know I highly respect your opinion and your renowned common sense. You probably don’t know it but I have always been a secret admirer. Well Anne I am flattered. I can see how sensitive this situation is. Obviously, all the signs point to the fact that there’s sex involved and I know from other dealings well no I won’t say don’t want to breach confidence. On the other hand, it may not have gone that far thou obviously it would take a very strong man not to fuck Sandra hard and many times if he was available yes Mrs Bigwood acknowledged she is certainly extremely attractive and very young. I can see tony weakening very rapidly if faced with such an opportunity. So, what do you advise I should do. Well I think its best to wait a little and see what pans out. It’s very nerve wracking for you I know. Why don’t you just give it a week or so and we will see whether the situation is irretrievable. You know it’s easy to file papers in court but it’s not so easy to make the emotional break even when someone is treating you in an abominably bad fashion. Ok I will keep cool ablot it. I won’t push it I won’t cause any ructions I will just let him decide what he is going to do and then make my decision. I will make sure I don’t get angry or fly into a jealous rage. I do not want him to have that pleasure. Ok Anne give me a call later in the week. The next few days passed quickly. There was a lot to do and Mr Dickenson’s appointment with Mrs Bigwood quickly faded away that is until late at night on the following Thursday when a call came through in the car as he drove back from the next town. Langton its Sgt Lanes worth here. I am afraid we have a very bad situation here. Tony Bigwood’s been stabbed to death at home. There’s no sign of anyone at the house. I have just had a call from my offsider who tells me that Sandra Titian is missing. Her husband called to say she hasn’t returned from work and he is worried about her. We were wondering if you could help us locate Mrs Bigwood we know she is a client of yours. You know normally I wouldn’t ask with client confidentiality but this really is an emergency. Could you call her. We feel she might react better than getting a cold call from us she is not answering anyway. There is no sign of the two young boys either. They must be together somewhere. The last thing we want is more bodies on our hands. We know the domestic situation. I suspect the whole town does. Mr Dickenson assured the police officer he would call Mrs Bigwood straight away. Anne its Langton Dickenson here. Anne can I come and see you. I think you need help. Why Langton what’s happened. Well Tony has bee killed at your house and the police are looking for you and the boys. Have you had your phone off? No, the dm thing just ran out of battery. I am on my way back to town. I have just been up north with the boys visiting their grandma. We are about an hour away from home. Look come to my office I will wait there for you. We can have a talk before we see the police.  Ok Langton I will see you there in an hour.
Thank you to the writing gods there is a serious question that now arises. Who stabbed Tony Bigwood to death? Was it his long- suffering wife who knew he was having an affair or was it Sandra the woman he was screwing? Or was it someone else altogether?
Jeff, it’s good to see you what's happening. how life been. I have been wondering what you have been up to. How’s that beautiful wife of yours my god she is a stunner. She’s dead! Jeff broke down in tears. Sit yourself down my old friend. Langton motioned him towards the comfortable old chair in front of his antique mahogany desk that his father had given him. Sit down and tell me what’s going on. Well, Langton shit I do not fucking know how to start. it is quite a story. From the beginning Jeff from the beginning. Langton had to quell and suppress his natural impatience and desire to get to the point. Over many years he realized it important to let people get their story out in their own good time., they could only tell it how they saw it. They weren’t to know the relevant bits and the irrelevant bits. That was for him to work out. Jeff gathered his emotions and spoke well you know we got married about 18 months ago now down in Taupo. Huka Falls. Jill’s family are from down that way and knew the owner who cut us a good deal. So, you know it didn’t cost me a bomb. Well there was a guest on jills side of the family where the family had known him for a while Jill went to school with him and you know I met him and got to know him and that and I didn’t think any more of it. He gave us his contact details in case we wanted to stay down at Taupo. And you know which we did we went there a few times and stayed with him and his wife and you know we had a good time together and all seemed to get on and it was just one of those things you know I enjoyed it but didn’t place that much importance on it we were busy with the business and Jill was busy at school and things just rolled on. Langton rustled in his chair and wondered to himself where this was leading too. Anny way a month we went down there again and stayed for a weekend we drove down there on Friday night and got there about 11 o’clock crashed out and got up early in the morning anyway we went over to Rotorua for the day for a hot swim at the blue pools there which was great. We all went over together. His wife Anna is gorgeous looking. she’s from Europe somewhere. And we got to the hot pools. I was chatting to Anna in one pool and x and x were in another pool. Anyway, Anna had here swimming suit on it was a bikini. Well fuck me I mean it was hard to know where to look. I didn’t realize but over the visits we had down there we had got close. But I am ashamed to say things kind of crossed the line and x got upset with me and it was my fault he was right to call me out. It was just one of those things that happened. Well what happened well with all the heat int pool you know we were having sex in the pool and x busted us. Well shit you can imagine all hell broke loose. We only had the one car, and we had to get back to Taupo all our gear was there and well you know it was awkward turtles. No one knew where to look it wasn’t a good scene. We got our car and drove home Jill was upset. As we were going through Hamilton, she asked me to stop the car and she took off. I haven’t seen her since. No one knows she is missing everyone we know just thinks she’s gone on a holiday to see her mum in the South Island her parents are divorced. I don’t know where the fuck she is I haven’t seen her since she has not rung me she hasn’t contacted me online. I am at the end of my rope. So, this last weekend gone I thought I would drive down to Taupo to see our former friends to see if they knew where she was. Well fuck me when I got there she was living with this cunt. I thought to hang on what’s going on here it was all a big bowl of wrong it didn’t add up I thought I was in the wrong which I was but it turns out they are married. for years. She married me while married to him. And his wife knows all about she is a hooker from the Ukraine the whole thing was a set up from start to finish. They aren’t married, but they have lived together for years. Well now she wants a divorce, and she wants half the business you know half the clothing factory well you know it making 40 million a year it's going like a train we can’t keep up and I am working all the hours in the sun and now she wants to fuck me over for a half share. I’m thinking fuck that that doesn’t sound right this was a big dirty right from the start she got her hooks into me so she could take it all. Well anyway while I was down there we had a party. They had a coke mountain there and after a few dozen lines and a lot of long island tea I was pretty fucked well, we all are leering up there were no two ways about it. Things just got out of hand again and I was fucking Anna in the spa pool and it upset Jill and she couldn’t handle it anymore and she came into the room with a bloody shotgun. I was just stressing out what to do cos she would hit me you know shoot me so I picked up an axe just on the verandas of this house and threw it at her. Well, it hit her right in the forehead and split her head open there were blood and brains everywhere and I went her I fucked her there was nothing I could do. Next thing this cunt was coming at me so I picked up the shotgun and the shot hit right in the face he fell into the spa pool and drowned he was unconscious and he drowned. Anna was looking frightened of me at that stage. She saw what happened, seemed to like it and we fucked all night. She promised she would snitch on me and I said I would pay her ten grand a month to keep her mouth shut well twenty grand if I have to. You know Langton just being able to tell you makes me feel better. Keeping it bottled up is just killing me I mean I am a good person I cannot believe this has happened and now Here I am beholden to this piece of ass for my life how did it come to this I don’t know whether to tell the cops and get it over with or just pay this bitch off or what. Well, Jeff that all takes me by surprise to be honest. I don’t know what to say and that’s no good to you cos you have paid good money to come and see me for my professional advice but don’t worry I will recover I need a little time to process what you have told me but also I am just running a little late for another appointment have in town so why don’t I give you a ring tonette once I have had time to think things over and figure out a way forward on this situation you have got yourself into and in the meantime I can sort out my other business and think on it for a while. That’s okay Langton I can relate to that it’s one hell of a lot to take in at once I have to kick myself to even think it’s all true my life used to be one lot simpler a wee while ago. So, I will wait for your call tonight. Jeff left the office and Langton put on his answer phone then locked the office and headed downtown truth told he did have to see another client he needed time to himself to ponder his client’s fate. The town was busy in the late afternoon and the river tide was high. He stood on the riverbank looking at the yachts swinging on their moorings. My god what was it about this town. The things that people got involved in. but this situation was out of the box a double murder that was the top end of the criminal calendar. He hadn’t gone into detail with the client about the clean-up but assumed he did it as no one had surfaced or turned up in the local rubbish dump. But the plain simple fact was there were two fewer people walking the streets in a small area and it wouldn’t take long for the machine to kick into gear relatives must have missed them friends and in a small town everyone would know that Geoff was on friendly terms with the missing man and that he was on friendly terms with his wife. There was nothing to it Jeff would have to keep Stumm until the coppers came calling. He was not sure what to do about Anna but he resolved to think about it more. Perhaps the current arrangement would suffice what was done was done and witness tampering was neither here nor there in the endgame. He ambled back to the office in the small gothic building on the bend in the main street. It was getting later, so he gave Jeff a ring. Look I have thought it over you will just have to sit tight but what about Anna. Well the current arrangement is ok I don’t know how long she will wait before she goes to the copper but my prediction is no matter how big your bank account is eventually you can bet she will have something to say somewhere to someone. Do you think I should get rid of her for god sakes Jeff that’s not my business or role to advise you about I can’t counsel you to commit a further murder no just leave her be, try to keep her satisfied and we will have to deal with what she comes out with down the track? Well Jeff the important thing is no one knows what happened apart from you and Anna. But, the alarm bells will ring about Jill and people will ask questions. That’s the nature of things.
At a corner table a couple were quietly talking. Perhaps times had not changed. Passing through on their way up north. Not that feeling. Local. And it was true but no one really cared. There was something there but it was too hard to really pin down. It existed for a fraction of time but when captured or contained, it evaporated like water in a hot fry pan. It bubbled briefly and then it was gone. But even trying to channel it was worth it. It wasn’t about success. It was about the process of that elusiveness. The flow, the freedom, the happiness, the smooth profanity of mountain rivers flowing blue with gold through the stream. just down below the road that led all the way up the mountain peninsula past the warm muddy tidal flats before the quiet climb up to the tiny town ship. On the way back down, at a small road side stream and panning for gold. There was a little in the pan but it was not the most beautiful thing there. Up among the trees there was a cat who watched me with colourful eyes then ran for cover up the hill. Dressed in black. She ran away and I could see in the distance a group of her sisters. They were studying the surface of a tree intently. When she caught up they all moved as one into the surrounding trees and then they were gone. I kept on panning for a while and then reluctantly left heading down the harbourside road to the local hotel. I arrived there about eight and stayed to closing time. The barman invited me back to his house where all the local stoners hung out after hours. One of them looked like a grower. He had a large motorcycle. They were all very sociable. I stumbled back to the flat in the early hours. We had to be up for work early the next morning. Later in the city I went to see my shrink.  I was having trouble of the darkest type. It crept up on me at night like an evil tide that washed over me. Thank goodness I had good friends who at a moment’s notice would tune in and rescue me. You are lucky to have them my shrink said. Some people have no psychic carers at all. They are left alone to suffer. He suggested that feelings of gratitude would help. That night I walked to a road above the shining city. I met some friends I had not seen for a long while. I was not sure whether they were alive or dead. But no one seemed troubled by the finer detail and we all had a good time remembering the times we had together. I was happy. Sitting on that beach. Letting the sides of the tent down. Meeting later. Obviously, something was going to happen. The warmth that radiated. The sense of anticipation. It was all very mysterious. When I woke up I could not remember the detail. There was nothing to be known other than it was time for another. Who would that person be? There were a number of people. Everyone deserved a shot. Even if they did not know they were on board. Just a person who could take it across that next county line. Perhaps an American who lived in suburban LA. Maybe. There was a sense of liberation in saying nothing. Getting to the end of the line, pausing then hitting the backspace. As if you said it but didn’t. there was no need it didn’t make any difference anyway everybody just kept on shooting and killing piling up the bodies burning them then getting blind drunk it was the third massacre that day and everyone was still going hard time for one more as the commander pointed to a village on the horizon there just children in that one it will be a ball don’t waste anymore time on these ones if they are not dead now they will be stiff as in the morning. Today was cold the second day of angry people. It was a hard sell. Nothing. Why was it some old men were so goddam horrible to younger people. It was no real surprise that people hated intellectuals self -appointed. They were just so totally mean. Were there not things that young people knew that older people did not. Like how to use snapchat. Anyway, there was no point in being bitter about old bitter people. What a curse. Light. It was time to move to the happy zone. The optimistic place. The sweet smelling perfumed place. The light space. The keys had moved into darkness and it was bad. Down down. It was possible to go back and delete the part that took a dark turn. None was in trouble today. No one wanted to talk about their problems. There was no dose to be had. There was no nothing. How to ever get off nihilistic Island. There seemed no hope as we drifted in the cold ocean. Hugh waves battered us and threatened to sink the boat. Everyone was too busy doing important things. No one wanted me to do anything for them not even save a horrible dog that bit someone severely. But I knew as sure as eggs like Gran used to say that just as someone thought no one wanted. cared for, knew I existed jut as someone felt like giving up and swearing wondering why everyone did well and was in demand but not them as sure as those words were ringing in ears something major would happen. It had always been that way. What was needed was singsong dandy happy optimism so pervasive that people thought you were high as a kite on crack cocaine so overwhelmingly optimistic that people stood in proximity like a nuclear test hoping to catch a dose of positivity as it swept all before it in a relentless wave mowing down palm trees and concrete buildings? That was what it required. How to live life juicing it.
There are places where bad things happen. Do he events remain there long after they have ocurred? Do the people take small parts away with them to where they live. do small particles of animal nasties circulate around them. this started out in the places I knew. The river the domain the trees the warm tide cooking shell fish as it slowly crept in. are those places portals? can we move into another world without knowing it. Inside this portal are the couple sitting at the table in the dead lawyers former office. they give me the creeps as they sit quietly. the are the gatekeepers to the portal they are not aggressive they say nothing they just sit there eating their meal they are completely ordinary but so far they have opened the portal to three murders one solved an two committed but unresolved as the police say. the room is on the ground level at street level. there is something about that couple that makes the hair on my legs tingle. do they walk home each night back up to the hill where the cemetery lies across the road from the church. they are players who don't yet have names. I went back, and they had gone. they were definitely there. hey had been travelling through heading up north or so i thought perhaps not when yuo drive north you always get passed by powerful cars travelling at high speed like they are doing the long haul to a farm somewhere perhaps they didnt pass on through and actually stayed in town

On the side of the hill, that slopes to the northwest, with the moonlight shining. It was the graveyard that made it spooky at night. Running the hundred yards up the hill as fast as you could. Not looking behind you, in case something ugly, was chasing you. And even then, you didn't stop. Not until you ran down the path, through the back door.

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